now that I am here…I dunno what to say.
wanted to shout out how frustrated I feel…how much I dislike myself for having to be civil to this person that I absolutely disliked and who stabbed me in the back not too long ago. you could call it professionalism. I call it hypocrisy. To maintain the surface peace and harmony, I have to do something that I hate myself for. It’s not about being humble, it’s about how much I detest the “hi-bye” politics, the hypocrisy and now I am also caught up in this.
damn sian
am currently in the low part of the cycle. and it sux.
and i really dislike hanging out with people who are high I. I honestly think the hurts from the last couple of years have permanently left its mark on the relationship and it hurts. I suppose one of the reasons why I want to leave the school is bcoz I am not happy. i am friendless! hahah. I dun fit in anyway. I am actually amazed at my ability to fake it. To be able to happily hehe haha mix with anyone but deep inside, I dun feel like I can really connect or trust anyone. Trust also in terms of believing they will be there for me when I really need help. But so far, most times, I have been disappointed.
sure the marking sux and the students are irritating… but I’m tired of all the fake brightness going on in the staffroom too. Is there anyone real out there? Is there anyone willing to walk with me in this season and for once not talk about clothes and fashion? Is there someone who will listen to what I have to say instead of forever jabbering on and on and on?
and it doesn’t help that I feel stupid all the time. my memory really sux… and I can’t seem to retain much stuff… I feel like I’m in a daze all the time…I know this is supposed to be part of BD though I dun understand why…but I honestly feel like a big fat DUMB DUMB.
so what am I doing in this school? Lord, I need something to hold on to. The seminar in the last couple of days was good and inspires me to do stuff… but I have no mood now… I am excited about student leadership but when other things start coming my way, I dun even get to do much about it. But I need something to hold on to. Sure I can continue to stay on…but there is no joy. No joy at all. Please Lord, give me the joy that I need if You want me to stay on. Or open a door for me outside.
I don’t want to give up because things are not going my way. But I really need that joy Lord. I really need something to hold on to.
sometimes i really struggle with the injustices of it all. the unfairness of life. but i recognise that I am deeply blessed and there is nothing nothing nothing more precious than being the beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father. I guess the sense of betrayal sometimes come when I seem to get the suckier end of things compared to other christians. But… I will remember the bible says that God delights in using the little things of this world…so okie, will hold on to that..
sighz… I badly badly badly need a personal retreat cum revival right now.
You quiet me with Your love (Klaus)
